Don't know what to say about this really.... :(

I've been rambling to everyone for the last week that my putting on 6kg in the last two months has played havoc with my hormones and that I really must go join the gym (which I did just this morning actually). I had a bit of a "scare" a little while back when I ran out of the Pill and didn't have a repeat prescription so had to wait for three weeks before I could find time for a doctor's appointment to get more. I take mine continually because basically "that time of the month" is a pain in the ass and I can't be bothered with it anymore. I also have chronic anaemia for apparently no specific reason so my Dr said skipping 3 out of 4 periods would help with that. Anyhoo the "scare" was that even after I stopped taking the Pill my period didn't show up for over a week and when it did it was much lighter than usual. I was just grateful and thought nothing more of it. I've got my tribe of 4 and don't have the money or mental strength to have more kids. Mr Costello should be proud of me - I've replaced Doug and myself in the population statistics plus TWO more for the good of the nation!

So I got my prescription and went back to taking my pill continuously and that was weeks ago now but a couple of days ago I got what I thought was a period even though I was still taking the Pill non-stop every day. I cussed and swore and put it down to the extra weight causing problems and blamed the same thing when I spent yesterday in pain all day from horrible cramps that I hadn't had in years. I still blamed it last night as I spent all night waking up off and on from cramps so bad I couldn't sleep on my stomach (like I usually do) or even on my side. In the middle of the night I started to have those strange thoughts like "maybe I've got an ovarian cyst that's going to rupture" or something along those lines. I was still sore when I got up this morning and took some panadol and just got on with it because when you've got kids and housework and everything else that's just what you do isn't it?!?!? Apologies now if you're squeamish because it's turned out that I must have had a blighted ovum (which is an embryo that begins developing and for some reason, usual hormonal or chromosomal, it stops and is reabsorbed back into the placenta but the placenta continues to support itself and grow for up to twelve weeks until the body naturally miscarries it or you have a D&C done). I'm going to assume it was complete and I'm not rushing off to the doctor or anything because I feel fine now. More than anything I think I feel a little sad that my life was so busy, so stressed and involved that I had no idea. I didn't really have any symptoms and I kept doing the things I usually do like a glass of wine at night and I'll admit to more stress and worry than is healthy over the past couple of months but life is just like that sometimes. It's not like I'd like to be pregnant again either, but I certainly would have accepted it and found a way to cope somehow if I had known. It obviously was destined to happen that way anyway and I know I can't have stopped it or even caused it, it is just something that happened but I guess I feel sad for the little life that was there however briefly and I didn't even know. That's probably what's upsetting me right now more than anything. I'm going to take a wild guess and say it might have been a hormonal problem as I didn't even have morning sickness although I was tired but hell - I've got four kids, a husband and two jobs - mothers are always tired! Cass as always was wonderful when I phoned to tell her. She always knows just what to say to make me feel better and while this may not have been meant to be, it is certainly a wake up call that I need to be more proactive about the whole situation considering Doug and I aren't intentionally planning any more kids. He's walking about now like a man with something to fear - I've told him that I would rather not have to go through this kind of thing again so he's going to the doctor this week to organise a vasectomy. Off to the vet for him!!!!

So while I will admit to a little bit of guilt over being relieved that I'm not pregnant, I'm surprisingly shocked and sad at the loss nonetheless. Weird really isn't it - how we react to these things? I've only ever lost one pregnancy before and it was very early. This was a lot further along so I think that's why I feel a bit thrown for six about it. I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over the question of how long the baby existed for before things went pear shaped because often it's only a few weeks but it was a life nonetheless that isn't here now. Loss of life, however brief, should be acknowledged and mourned. It's what makes us real and what makes us human. I know that there will be a layout in this somewhere - maybe not now because it's a bit raw - but at some point there will be and that will be my acknowledgement and my mourning and my closure for something I never knew existed until it was gone.