Sunday, 24 February 2008

Love me a quiet weekend!

This layout was for the cybercrop at CyberScraps this weekend. My challenge to the girls was to incorporate humour onto a layout and I've used one of Caeligh's favourite jokes as the title for the layout. I'm sick of hearing that joke now (because she tells it about ten times a day, every day, to anyone who will listen) but I know in a few years' time she'll be older, with less time for jokes and less time to tell them to me so I wanted to make sure I remember how much she loves telling me jokes at the moment.

Well this weekend I did practically nothing! I had a relaxing Friday night in front of the TV with Dougie and then yesterday we spent the day around the house, doing some housework, playing with the kids and then we settled down to watch the Saturday round of the Clipsal 500 V8 supercar racing. One of the Fujitsu ute drivers was critically injured in a really bad crash. Collisions like that don't happen very often but just bad luck I think. I'm praying for him and his family. Last night Dougie went racing at High Octane with the racing sim guys. He was only gone an hour when I had to ring him because Caeligh was playing in the backyard right before dinner and when she came inside she had an ugly blotchy red rash over her tummy which itched like crazy. I got her into a cool bath with bicarb in it as quickly as I could but by then it had spread to her arms, back, face and down her legs. She looked awful and was crying from the itch. Do you think I could convince her to take some Phenergan though? Nope!!! She said she'd rather itch than have medicine and I tried to sneak some into her lemonade but she picked it straight away and spat that out too. I ended up taking her up to the doctors for a quick look over and a referral to an immunologist so that we can find out exactly what caused it. I think it is a grass of some kind but it would be helpful to know which in case it happens again or we can at least try to avoid it. Doug cut the grass today so I hope that helps but it didn't get done before Lachlann went outside to play and he got it too although not nearly as widespread as Caeligh but definitely as itchy!! She can't have felt too bad by the time she got to the doctors office because she jumped up and down in front of the receptionist yelling "I got itchies all over me!!!" and laughing! She's fine today thank goodness and you can barely see where the rash was at all.

Today we did pretty much the same as yesterday. Blayd went to a karate tournament down the Gold Coast with his friend Jordie who stayed over last night. Can you imagine my surprise when Blayd asked to sleep in the same room as her? It took me a minute to hold back the slight shock but then calmly explained that if they slept in the same room they would just stay up and talk and not sleep, and how they both needed rest for the tournament today. Jordie is 13 already and Blayd is only a few months away and it has only just really occurred to me that there might be something more than just a childhood friendship between them. Not that I mind that because Blayd is definitely old enough to be noticing girls but at the same time I think they totally need boundaries at their age and I tried to soften it a bit for Blayd by explaining that girls need their privacy and he seemed okay with it when I put it that way.

I have wanted to scrap all weekend but every time I sit down I think of something else that needs to be done, the never ending housework thing and so I get up and do that and then after lunch Doug watched the last race of the Clipsal 500 (go Jamie Whincup!!!!) and I did a mercy dash to the shops for some lunchbox stuff for the week. I've spent tonight just pottering around on the net really, hanging out at CyberScraps for the last night of our cybercrop and here, updating my blog. I've tidied my desk so I feel like I did get something scrap related done, even if it wasn't a layout. I can always focus on that tomorrow at the shop. Friday night crop this week which I absolultely love!!!! We're totally booked out and Cass and I will be scrapping out on the footpath at the rate we're going!!!! lol It's busy and it's loud and it's always fun. There are a couple of places at the next one on Friday 14th March if you want to come along. It's always best to book before the crop night before the one you want to go to because people tend to rebook as they are leaving so it means there are often no spots available for a month or more. In my best Bridget Jones voice here " So need a bigger shop. Not enough space is a total disaster!". We do have space but it's mostly take up by delicious product!!!! lol

Oh hey new Kaisercraft coming very soon, the pearls in all colours, the bling words, new shades of bling, packets of flowers, the new tabbed albums, new papers and more! Also restocking the PrintBlocks D ring binder albums this week (hopefully) in the very popular hot pink and light pink. We've got a bit mental and ordered heaps from CHA over in the States but what can you do when companies bring out so many fabulous products?!?!?! I totally agree - we really had no choice but to buy more beautiful things for the shop!!!

Well I'm going to go spend some time with my darling Dougie before we head off to bed to recharge for the week ahead. I don't know where blog surfing fits in anymore as I'm not at home on the computer very often but I am trying to get my own home typing business up and running so hopefully things will pick up there and I'll have time to do more on the computer, not just work! But I do want to say thanks to you for coming to read my little snippets of life even though I don't get around to many other people's blogs anymore.

Have a fantastic week and keep safe chickies!!! Love, Lu

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Under control again.....mostly!!! lol

Well life has finally settled down if you can ever call it settled! So some nutshell updates:

Dad: I haven't even spoken to him in the last week as the little gold-digging houseguest has been calling him and harassing him and asking him to move back in. Although it doesn't look it, he really isn't going soft in the head but he's very emotionally manipulated and I'm sadly convinced he probably will let her move back in and she will make sure she gets what she wants from him, i.e. more money, her name on the will, the house etc. And do you know what I think? I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I love Dad but I've offered my help, my support and my advice and he doesn't want any of it so I've decided to stop wasting that mental and emotional energy on him when he obviously doesn't want it or listen to it. I have to accept that I cannot change what is going on and that Dad will do whatever he wants to do in the end so I haven't really spoken to him because I don't want to hear all the drama. I'll be sure to sure if anything else exciting happens.

Mum: When she went back into hospital the doctors discovered she had had ANOTHER heart attack so she basically stayed this time and last week she had a triple bypass surgery that took 7 hours. She's home again now but is going up to Townsville to stay with her sister which is fabulous for her because she really needs time to recover. The surgery has knocked her around a lot especially as she has other health problems as well so the time away will be good for her. The day she had her surgery I spent the day at the hospital with my sister and got to meet my mother's older sister for the first time. So weird to sit and chat to someone who remembers you as being a tiny (well 10lb 2oz isn't exactly tiny!) 2 day old baby. I loved chatting to her and had heaps in common which is nice to discover.

Kids: Well Blayd's hair is slowly growing back out a bit and I've shown him how to fix it with hair gel so it doesn't look so Julius Caesar (snicker, snicker!!!! after all it was his own fault!!! lol). Lachie is doing beautifully at school and it's so nice not to have to brace yourself before you chat to a teacher for once!!! James is getting on everyone's nerves a little bit as he's very spoilt by the MIL and it just makes for resentment from his brothers and sister, especially when she encourages the idea that he needs to be protected from his bullying "half-brothers". Can't believe anyone would make a point of that to a 6 year old but she has and it's causing quite a bit of tension between the kids that really shouldn't be there. We do however need the MIL as she is a huge help in picking up the kids for us from school so it's a rock and a hard place on that ongoing matter. Caeligh is slowly getting better, being less destructive and learning to listen more. I honestly never thought it would happen but I'm also doing my best to find more time to spend with her as I think I tend to avoid a lot of alone time with her as normally she is easily bored which leads to mucking up and bad behaviour and thus lessens my want to spend any time with her, which I think then makes her worse as she feels like she is being ignored so she plays up even more. Vicious circle and all that but I'm really trying hard to improve things.

Baby: Well thankfully there isn't one and the hormones have quietened somewhat. Maybe because I was stressed it was a way for me to be able to 'opt out' of all the drama if I was pregnant and had an excuse to have to rest more, work less and take better care of myself. But I do realise that's not the way I have to do it. I think destressing will come in the form of things like staying out of my Dad's stressful mess because I realise I can't fix anything for him, learning to say no and limit my involvement in the dramas around me when all it is doing is driving me nuts and not fixing anything for anyone else, and of course not underestimating the value of some kind of doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication because I shouldn't have to feel like I'm drowning in worries and problems every minute of the day, especially when the dramas are mostly not even mine!

So I'm taking a deep breath, stepping back a bit and giving myself some space to be an observer instead of being so entrenched in everyone's problems. I have to learn that it isn't up to me to fix things for other people. I guess because I'm a bit of a control freak that I do tend to want to rush in and make it all better if I can. I think I really need to step away and let people start being responsible for their own crap and their own solutions for said crap. That's the plan right now and I like the sound of it so far.

Because I've had a better week this week I've even had some great mojo and that makes me feel even better about life in general. The ones up above are the few I've done this week plus a couple more that I haven't scanned yet. I'm enjoying my scrapping which is a definite mood enhancer!!! lol

I've been so wrapped up in crap for three weeks now that I've completely missed a deadline for a Scrapbooking Creations article and I'm going to have to finish that tonight and get all that sorted for sending tomorrow, along with a HUGE apology for being late with it. One of the few times in my life I can honestly say I've had waaaaay too much on my plate!!! I've just finished one article for SM and have another in the works to do shortly too. There are a few other things on the boil because FOR SURE I'm not busy enough!!! lol I do like having all these different things to do though, I just really wish I knew how to time manage better and not be so scatter-brained. Deadlines are really hard!!!!

Thank you to everyone who has emailed or called to see that I'm not going completely crackers - only a bit!!!! ;) I did promise to put the new Everyday Garbage challenge up properly and so I'm going to try to do that too tonight, as well as do the SC article and catch up on my forum chat at CyberScraps. See - I've been a good scrapper and updated my blog to begin with so I'm in the mood now and hopefully I'll get the other stuff done.

Thanks again for having a read through yet another whopper of a post. I'll really try to do this more often (update that is, not create whopping posts!) so that I can do quickies instead, much easier on the brain!!!

Chat soon, love Lu

Monday, 4 February 2008

Oh it just gets better.....

I've finished on the computer and gone into the bathroom to see short tufts of brown hair all over the floor. Naturally I've assumed that the smallest, least able to make a good judgement about hair and scissors has cut her own hair but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It turns out that my mental giant of an ex husband (and a teacher to boot!!!) gave Blayd a mini breakfast snack wrap from McDonalds this morning because it was obviously convenient for him. It was most inconvenient for Blayd (who, don't you worry, is in a word of trouble for knowing he can't have it and eating it anyway) who has then reacted like a total NER-NER to all the colours and preservatives in the tortilla wrap, the artificial nasty cheese, the bacon and the sauce. He probably had a crap day at school and acted like he is a special needs founding member (no offence because I know there are heaps of kids who are special needs and it certainly isn't by choice - Blayd has a choice and doesn't have to be as bad as he is when he eats the wrong foods) and he has come home tonight after has aforemented mental giant of a father suggested he cut his hair (which isn't long at all) because long fringes aren't allowed in the lab at school and what do ya think he did? Took to himself with an enormous pair of kitchen scissors!!! Better yet he let me yell at Caeligh for five minutes for cutting her own hair which she didn't actually do!!! I've been trying to let her fringe grow out so I just assumed she had chopped bits here and there as it's all different lengths at the moment so I've had to cut her a proper fringe and tell her off for playing with scissors. The poor baby didn't even know why I was getting mad at her and Blayd even offered to hold her still while I cut her fringe!!! Little ***hole!!!!

So I'm so busy being mad at the innocent 3 year old that I don't even notice Blayd's hack job on his own head until he asks if I could trim his fringe because I've done such a good job of Caeligh's hair and how I should have been a hairdresser.........

I then had to ring his father and lecture him over the phone like he's some kind of tree stump and he doesn't even have the balls to answer me while I'm yelling at him!!!! Stupid, incosiderate man to allow his son to eat something he knows will impair his judgement, ruin his behaviour and have him acting like a child with a mental retardation problem far worse than what he has!!!!

I've tried to fix Blayd's hair but I'm no hairdresser.........I JUST GIVE UP!!!!!!!!

Oh for F**KS SAKE!!!!! (excuse the language)

I just wish to God I could find a big bucket of vodka and a huge bottle of valium and a nice quiet dark corner to occupy for a week or so!!!! The drama, the drama......

Spent this morning ferrying my dad to a doctors' appointment and then to the local courthouse to take out a peace and good behaviour order against the gold-digging hoochie-mama. He decides it's all too difficult, doesn't want any more trouble and he's not going to do anything!!!! He wants me to go to a Seniors Legal Advice appointment with him on Friday where I dare say we'll waste an hour while he goes over all the bullshit that he refuses to substantiate by having her charged with wilful damage, break and enter, etc, all the things she's done, they'll give him all kinds of very good, free advice and he'll chuck a big feeb episode and say how he doesn't want any trouble and can you beleive he doesn't want her to get into any trouble that might make her lose her job?!?!?!? OMFG!!!!!! I'm seriously starting to wonder whether or not he needs an Adult Guardian cos he seems incapable of dealing with this like a reasonable thinking person!

Then my sister rings to say my mum is back in hospital AGAIN with more health problems because she went home Saturday, had some arm pains etc, and ignored those....then last night had chest pains, etc and ignored those so today her doctor has had her admitted and who knows how long she will be in hospital this time. I swear to God I don't understand why some people can't take care of themselves and ignore very obvious signs that something is wrong!!!!!!!

I feel like the only life preserver left on the Titanic and every bloody person is grabbing onto me to save them cos they won't save themselves!!!!!! Maybe that's why I want to be pregnant again, so that I can just check out and not have to deal with everyone else's issues. I would LOVE to have a brain snap but unfortunately I'm not that self indulgent, I'm sadly quite lucid and just really really angry instead.....not that everyone who has a brain snap is self indulgent, I just think I've got a good tolerance level for general crap so no matter how frustrated, emotional, tired and flat I feel I still don't consider giving up is an option. I have to say that losing my adoptive mother at 19 taught me that as I had no other close family and there was nobody to pick up the slack if I decided I couldn't cope so I just coped and have done so (apart from the occasional blog meltdown) ever since. So yeah, I bitch, I moan, I yell, I get mad at people, I worry and stress and say a lot of nasty things but that's how I deal and luckily Doug just knows to smile and crack jokes and say equally nasty things and we cheer each other up. Weird but it works and I'm too damned nice to say those things to the people who need to hear them because I genuinely would hate to hurt anyone's feelings!!!! Ridiculous isn't it????

Anyway I'm not working this week, part blessing (cos my brain and my week seems to have no room left for work) and part curse cos I didn't budget for not working but things will sort themselves out like they always do. Hey baked beans are nutritious right?!?!? lol It's not that bad but I have an overwhelming warped sense of humour and I have to poke massive fun at depressing things or they really will depress me and who has time for that?

So I didn't do anything in the shop for the half day I was in except for unpack LOADS of new nice KaiserCraft stuff. We are rapidly becoming the KaiserCraft headquarters over at CyberScraps and we've got so much gorgeous stuff including the square bling and the flower bling and event planner thingies and OMG the gorgeous new rub-0ns to rival any big name company plus restocks of cute things like the pearls, the handbags, tabbed albums and new styles of clocks and some wood canvasses that can hang on the wall. I LOOOOOVE unpacking new stuff so be sure to keep an eye on the website and in store if you're local. Come have a squizzy at the new pretties!!! The pretties keep me sane......... lol

Okay I'm going, this was my quick 10 minute destress before venturing into the foray of dinner making, kid wrangling, bathing and homework and housework. Thank you for the much love I've received from everyone who sounds like they really think I'm going to have a small mental breakdown sometime soon. Don't worry, I'm not going crazy and as Cass says "my cheese is just slipping off my cracker a little bit!!!!".

Chat soon, love Lu

Sunday, 3 February 2008

Layout share and a reflection on baby ranting

Oh well what can I say???? It's been a day of drama to follow the drama of the night before! lol
I got a phone call from my dad this morning, asking me to come over with Doug and be a presence while he had an unwanted house guest removed by police. I'm not even going to get into the whole story but it was something along the lines of a certain individual thought the old man had money because he owns his house so she thought she'd make nice with him, promise to look after him and keep the house clean in exchance for staying in the house and then once she moved in she treated him abominably, stole from him, borrowed copious amounts of money that he didn't really have to giver her and took over his house with her kids, friends, strangers, drop ins at all hours of the day and night and basically this morning my poor old dad decided to grow some balls and told her to leave. When she wouldn't go he called the cops to have her removed. The sad bottom line is that he let her do it all because he's lonely. My adoptive monther died fifteen years ago and he's just never been the same since.......So Doug and I spent all day at his house, helping him with his police statement, supervising while the "guests" got some of their crap and left and waited with him because they wanted to come back for their car as none of them has a drivers' license so they had to find a friend to do that (yep I wondered why they had a car when none of them had a license too - apparently dear old Dad was good for chauffering duties as well.....) and we eventually got to go home but I have to go back and pick Dad up in the morning, take him to a doctors' appointment and then take him to the local courthouse to get a protective order against the no longer wanted house guest so she doesn't try to phone or harass the crap out of him until he lets her in the house again. The sad part is he still says he feels sorry for her because now she's homeless!!!! ARGHH!!!!!! So apparently (because the police officer thought Dad was possibly a bit soft in the head for still feeling sorry for the stupid cow) I can make the protective order on his behalf if he won't do it and I have to wonder about the soft in the head part myself......*sigh* Long story short he got done over by a gold digger but there wasn't really much gold except his house and she figured if she stayed long enough she'd legally be entitled to half of it. So that was today's drama!
The layouts are just some I did in the shop on Friday. The "Princess" one I really liked because the Rusty Pickle paper is gorgeous, the Dynamic Duo one was just for fun because Krys Yealland (who used to be the technical ed. at Scrapbooking Memories) called us that every time she spoke to one of us after we helped her out at really short notice with something she needed, and the last one is one I've been meaning to do for ages. We have a hibiscus near the front patio and every six months it gets overrun with teeny tiny green grasshoppers that Caeligh finds fascinating. She doesn't even mind touching them - yuk!!! She couldn't get her mouth around the proper name so she called them "glass popas" instead of grasshoppers. The round black plastic frame thingy on the grasshopper layout turned out to be the insert for the printer tray of Doug's printer - I found it in a drawer and thought it would make a cool frame....ooops!!!! And yep, I used Pritt so it ain't EVER coming off!!!! lol Lucky for me Doug is an understanding man!
It will be another jam packed week this week with dealing with Dad tomorrow, a meet and greet on Tuesday afternoon/evening (it ends up being back to back with three kids in three different grades) for the boys' teachers, some online stuff to do Wednesday night, Blayd has karate on Thursday night and I'm sure there was something else I had to do Thursday but my mind has become a vacuum, and Friday I'm in the shop - ALLELUJAH!!!!! I think there are a few ScrapTraining bookings this week but I can't for pity's sake remember when they are. If you are one of them I promise I'm going to check the diary very carefully in morning!!!! Having another "please, Miss, my brain is full" moments again.
Upon reflection from yesterday's little out of mind experience, I think I'm just going to cruise along like I am, try not to think too hard about the whole baby thing, and see what life hands me. I think I'm too tired right now to go out looking for life's big opportunities. Oh crap I forgot to ring my mum and see how she's feeling today cos she went home from hospital yesterday. MUM I'M REALLY SORRY I FORGOT TO RING - THE WHOLE DAD THING AND ALL - I WILL DEFINITELY GIVE YOU A CALL TOMORROW!!!! So between my birth mother's cruddy health, my adoptive Dad's serious "houseguest from hell" issues and my screeching ovaries I think I have to hit the cruise control button for a while and just try to give the whole thing a mental miss for a few weeks at least. I just want to survive through all the bullshit flying around me right now. I feel like I'm trying to cut a new path through virgin jungle here and I don't have a frickin machete!!!! Some days professional therapy sounds like a really good way to work out all the stuff that happens, even if they can't fix it, offer any advice or whatever, just to be able to thrash it out with someone who isn't involved and hopefully make me feel like I'm dealing the best way I can and that I'm still okay in here!!!!! Will definitely give that some thought....
Thanks so much to those of you who commented and to those who took the time to email me privately and share their stories. I have had such lovely words and such openness from people on the other side of the planet and I'm once again amazed by the serious coolness of this internet thingy and the scrapbooking thingy that brought us all here, me to type, you to read.
I'm pretty sure the week is only going to get more interesting so I will definitely keep you posted. Would you be at all surprised to hear that my heart palpitations have started up again this week?!?? No, me either. Now I know that it's a stress thing so I'm trying to just be cool about everything and get through.
Have a fab week no matter what it holds for you - hey, if it's anywhere as interesting and colourful as mine at least you won't get five minutes to feel sorry for yourself!!! lol Just go get another cup of coffee and B R E A T H E!!!!
Love you guys for reading and sticking with me, Lu
ps sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I've tried editing this bloody thing four times and it still doesn't want to do paragraphs for you!!!! I officially GIVE UP!!!!

Saturday, 2 February 2008

Oh How Completely AWFUL and I can't Believe I'm bloggging this

Despite the fact that I have four children already, one with an autism spectrum disorder and a couple that are a real handful, despite the fact that I'm 34 almost and my husband is 46, despite the fact that my scrapbooking career has finally gone "professional" in as much as I'm writing articles for magazines and being asked to teach at scrapbook conventions (thank you Alana!!!), despite the fact that I have too little time, not enough money and not nearly the strength to go through another pregnancy MY BODY IS SCREAMING AT ME WITH EVERY ATOM OF ITS BEING TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!!

I'm an emotional wreck right now....I don't know what to do..... I had a miscarriage about six months ago (not a planned pregnancy but a wanted one if I had only known I was pregnant) and ever since then it feels like my body has hit the RESET which and I feel like I want to be pregnant all over again!!!! I have ambitions, goals and dreams that have nothing to do with expanding my already demanding family but it feels like my body is railroading me in a different direction to the one I want to go in.

A year ago I wanted a busy design team career wth CyberScraps (which I now have thanks to Cath, good advertising and our up and coming Scrap-Training program), a steady stream of magazine acceptances (which I also now have so the pressure is gone there, I just submit everything and I'm totally over the stress of it all - the mags take what they like and the rest I keep for me), and I wanted a manufacturer design position (which is in the works with a fab chick and some great new product which I can't even say a peep about yet). My kids are almost off my hands in terms of school - Caeligh starts Prep next year and she's my baby. My life is starting to take the shape like I thought it should have for the last few years now, at least how I THOUGHT it should be anyway.....

I feel like I should be moving forward into the great unkown that is "life after babies" and focusing on what Doug and I want for ourselves and our mutual kidlets (four are all mine, only two are his). We don't even own our house for Pete's sake and our car is a clapped out Mitsubishi Starwagon.... Doug makes bugger all and quite frankly I could earn more than him working full time as a medical typist but I don't want to work full time. I want to raise babies and scrap.....

I'll readily admit that even six months ago I knew what I wanted, was ready to let go of babies, and prams, and being pregnant, and I WAS DONE with all that but now.....I feel like my body is pulling me in a totally different direction. I've always been a very intuative person, I go with my gut cos it's rarely wrong and I follow my instincts but my scrapping goals and my bank balance and my husband all tell me that I don't want another baby, I'm over all that, I'm done and finished.....

I'm sitting here crying because I want another baby so badly, but I don't know if it's for the right reasons or not anymore.....

As soon as Caeligh was born, I'm talking an hour after she was born, I looked at Doug and I told him we weren't done yet, that there was another little soul waiting for us.....but I've tried to ignore it, get over it, get past it, forget about it........but that nagging has come back so strongly in the last few months and it's like a voice in my heart getting louder and louder.

I guess I don't trust myself any more....I get awful pre-natal depression, the hormones make me go crazy, get cabin fever being at home waiting, counting down the days although I have a job I love at CyberScraps so it wouldn't be like that anymore. I've reconnected with Cass who is my best friend in the world besides Doug so I wouldn't be alone or lonely like when I was pregnant last time.....I'm scared of being pregnant again because I've worked so hard at getting some semblance of control over my life, my career, my hobbies, my relationships, everything......I just don't want a hormonal whim to jeopardise all that I've worked for in the last few years.

There is my end point, constant reader (as Stephen King would say, my favourite horror writer), I don't want my hormones to trick me into something that would bring my carefully balanced life undone, to distract me from what I want to achieve, to unbalance my already hard to juggle family life and children and amazingly patient and understanding husband.....

Right now I ache, I crave, I need, I want, I yearn for another baby and I can no longer tell whether it's my hormones trying to have a last Harrah before we call it quits or if it is the deep seated feeling I have had since the moment my only baby girl was born (after three boys) that there is still a little soul waiting for me to give him or her life, to bring them into the world....... I really thought once I had my daughter that she would give me the completeness I wanted. I had three boys and eventually got my girl (darling monster that she is!!!! lol for those who know about her you know why I laugh about my darling monster!!!!!), (go and read this paragraph again without the darling monster part!) but she's nearly four now and I can't tell anymore if it's just the human urge to procreate or a real spiritual need that I have to fulfil or some other purpose that makes me feel this way....

Now Doug is on our bed behind me, asking me if one of the 10,000 people who have apparently read my blog would have the answer to whether I should have another baby or not. I'm quietly wondering whether he really thinks the blogsphere has the answer, or whether he even has a clue that I do this for venting and feedback purposes only. He doesn't even read my blog for goodness sake!!!! lol I don't even know why he gives a toss because I know he's stressed enough, doesn't earn enough (DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO NEEDS A GOOD, HONEST, RELIABLE COMPUTER TECH?????), and sadly doesn't really care as much as my hormones do right now so having him sit behind me while I type is just really irritating as I know FOR SURE his testicles aren't screaming at him right now like my ovaries are hollering at me!!!!!

I'm sorry, constant reader, that this post is a bit devoid of anything actually interesting and really comprises of me just getting out some crap that's clogging my brain right now and stopping me from functioning properly......We took James and Caeligh to the Brisbane Internationa Motor Show today (and looked at cars that would accomodate us all plus one more....) and my Mum came home from hospital today after a massive heart attack that should have killed most ordinary folk (YES MUM, I MEAN YOU, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD DINNER AND A NICE SLOW WALK TOMORROW!!!!) so I've had a bit of other stuff on my my mind and maybe it's stress.....har har har, hee, hee, hee, and maybe I'm having a small mental breakdown from the stress of everything but somehow I doubt it cos sadly I'M MADE FROM TOUGHER STUFF THAN THAT!!!!! God knows I wish I could have a quiet mental breakdown for a week but that's not in my diary the last time I looked........

On a saner, less mental and emotionally shitty note, Emstar came in to CyberScraps today to do a Scrap Training class for two hours and it was the most relaxing, rewarding two hours of my whole day!!!! Em, you are bright, quick, funny, interesting and entertaining!!!! It would be a pleasure to spend an hour with you any day and trust me, it wasn't work at all! My scrapping, and sharing what I know about scrapping, isn't work at all, not for a's my therapy! I can't wait to see your finished album and I really am so happy that you found today helpful and fulfilling and that you learned some things you didn't know when you walked in. That's my goal - I don't care about the money so much as I loved chatting to you, getting to know you and your lovely man and your beautiful little boy, and helping you to create something you love. Remember to email me or post on CyberScraps if you get stuck or need any more help with the PBA!!! It was lots of fun!!!!

The two bigger boys are at their dad's tonight and the little two are at their gran's so it's just Doug, me and the Lifestyle Channel and their lovely show about IVF babies. Far out I really need to find something else to watch......and about three glasses of wine so far. And the sad part is that most often you could blame it on tiredness and the alcohol but it just magnifies what I feel constantly anyway.....

Surely somebody out there, some scrappin' chick has been through this and come out the other side. I really want to know if you are sorry you had that one more pregnancy or if you are blessed for that one more pregnancy, or if you really regret not taking that big leap and having another baby....I don't know if you can help me or not but I'd really REALLY appreciate anybody's advice right now!!!! I feel like I don't have control over my own destiny anymore and I'm trying to wrestle control of the steering wheel from my very eager uterus!!!! lol I'm crying as I type this and I know how bizarre it might sound if you've never had a baby before but trust me, once your hormones get a hold of you, you really don't have total control anymore!!!! I've lost control of the compass and no matter how attractive a professional scrapbooking career sounds right now (and it's all laid out right before me), I still don't seem to want it as much as I want another baby....and that would wipe me off the scrapbooking map for another two years if I was to get pregant now......I'd suddenly be tired, sick , exhuasted, un motivated, unable to travel to Outback Scrap (which I'm itching to get to!!!) plus some teaching stuff in Sydney......Why on earth do our bodies do this to us!?!?!?!?!?

I'm confused, tired, sad, spent, exhausted, confused again, a bit angry, a bit off track........

I really thought I had gotten to a point where I knew what I wanted for the first time in my whole life but it seems lately that I don't know anything at all........

I'm right back at square one, with four kids I struggle to love enough (in my own opinion anyway), I don't own anything of real value, I don't even own my care (shitbox that it is).

Here is the great question for you beautiful souls out in the blogsphere - do I follow my spiritual urges or my intellectual ones???? I know you probably don't think you have the answer either but I'd love to hear your thoughts anyhooooooo. I'm so confused and I hate that, I like that I'm usually the one with the good advice, the easy solution, the quick fix, and now I've got nothing to offer myself......maybe it's time to lean on the universe for advice and direction....I'm not sure but If you're in the mood for sharing then I'd love to hear from you. Anybody's advice is better than my own right now because I don't think I can trust my inner voice just at the moment......

Apologies for a really crap Saturday night post - I'm sure this wasn't what you tuned in to hear! lol Anyway thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I do have some great MotorShow pics that I've taken, and some that Jamie has taken too! At almost 7 he has quite the photographic eye so I don't bat an eyelid when he wants to use my new camera. He's taken some great shots that I'll post later. He's so proud of his photographic skills and so am I. Maybe for his birthday we'll get him a digital camera as he seems to have a good "eye" for shots and design and I'd like to encourage that in him.

Okay I am really honestly going to bed now. It's late and I don't think Doug wants to hear my emotinal ramblings anymore so I'm off to my pillow but I would definitely love to hear from anyone with thoughts, advice, suggestions, etc. My brain is full Miss!!!!! lol

Oh Completely AWFUL and I can

Mmmmmmm Slider Love