Saturday, 2 February 2008

Oh How Completely AWFUL and I can't Believe I'm bloggging this

Despite the fact that I have four children already, one with an autism spectrum disorder and a couple that are a real handful, despite the fact that I'm 34 almost and my husband is 46, despite the fact that my scrapbooking career has finally gone "professional" in as much as I'm writing articles for magazines and being asked to teach at scrapbook conventions (thank you Alana!!!), despite the fact that I have too little time, not enough money and not nearly the strength to go through another pregnancy MY BODY IS SCREAMING AT ME WITH EVERY ATOM OF ITS BEING TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!!

I'm an emotional wreck right now....I don't know what to do..... I had a miscarriage about six months ago (not a planned pregnancy but a wanted one if I had only known I was pregnant) and ever since then it feels like my body has hit the RESET which and I feel like I want to be pregnant all over again!!!! I have ambitions, goals and dreams that have nothing to do with expanding my already demanding family but it feels like my body is railroading me in a different direction to the one I want to go in.

A year ago I wanted a busy design team career wth CyberScraps (which I now have thanks to Cath, good advertising and our up and coming Scrap-Training program), a steady stream of magazine acceptances (which I also now have so the pressure is gone there, I just submit everything and I'm totally over the stress of it all - the mags take what they like and the rest I keep for me), and I wanted a manufacturer design position (which is in the works with a fab chick and some great new product which I can't even say a peep about yet). My kids are almost off my hands in terms of school - Caeligh starts Prep next year and she's my baby. My life is starting to take the shape like I thought it should have for the last few years now, at least how I THOUGHT it should be anyway.....

I feel like I should be moving forward into the great unkown that is "life after babies" and focusing on what Doug and I want for ourselves and our mutual kidlets (four are all mine, only two are his). We don't even own our house for Pete's sake and our car is a clapped out Mitsubishi Starwagon.... Doug makes bugger all and quite frankly I could earn more than him working full time as a medical typist but I don't want to work full time. I want to raise babies and scrap.....

I'll readily admit that even six months ago I knew what I wanted, was ready to let go of babies, and prams, and being pregnant, and I WAS DONE with all that but now.....I feel like my body is pulling me in a totally different direction. I've always been a very intuative person, I go with my gut cos it's rarely wrong and I follow my instincts but my scrapping goals and my bank balance and my husband all tell me that I don't want another baby, I'm over all that, I'm done and finished.....

I'm sitting here crying because I want another baby so badly, but I don't know if it's for the right reasons or not anymore.....

As soon as Caeligh was born, I'm talking an hour after she was born, I looked at Doug and I told him we weren't done yet, that there was another little soul waiting for us.....but I've tried to ignore it, get over it, get past it, forget about it........but that nagging has come back so strongly in the last few months and it's like a voice in my heart getting louder and louder.

I guess I don't trust myself any more....I get awful pre-natal depression, the hormones make me go crazy, get cabin fever being at home waiting, counting down the days although I have a job I love at CyberScraps so it wouldn't be like that anymore. I've reconnected with Cass who is my best friend in the world besides Doug so I wouldn't be alone or lonely like when I was pregnant last time.....I'm scared of being pregnant again because I've worked so hard at getting some semblance of control over my life, my career, my hobbies, my relationships, everything......I just don't want a hormonal whim to jeopardise all that I've worked for in the last few years.

There is my end point, constant reader (as Stephen King would say, my favourite horror writer), I don't want my hormones to trick me into something that would bring my carefully balanced life undone, to distract me from what I want to achieve, to unbalance my already hard to juggle family life and children and amazingly patient and understanding husband.....

Right now I ache, I crave, I need, I want, I yearn for another baby and I can no longer tell whether it's my hormones trying to have a last Harrah before we call it quits or if it is the deep seated feeling I have had since the moment my only baby girl was born (after three boys) that there is still a little soul waiting for me to give him or her life, to bring them into the world....... I really thought once I had my daughter that she would give me the completeness I wanted. I had three boys and eventually got my girl (darling monster that she is!!!! lol for those who know about her you know why I laugh about my darling monster!!!!!), (go and read this paragraph again without the darling monster part!) but she's nearly four now and I can't tell anymore if it's just the human urge to procreate or a real spiritual need that I have to fulfil or some other purpose that makes me feel this way....

Now Doug is on our bed behind me, asking me if one of the 10,000 people who have apparently read my blog would have the answer to whether I should have another baby or not. I'm quietly wondering whether he really thinks the blogsphere has the answer, or whether he even has a clue that I do this for venting and feedback purposes only. He doesn't even read my blog for goodness sake!!!! lol I don't even know why he gives a toss because I know he's stressed enough, doesn't earn enough (DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO NEEDS A GOOD, HONEST, RELIABLE COMPUTER TECH?????), and sadly doesn't really care as much as my hormones do right now so having him sit behind me while I type is just really irritating as I know FOR SURE his testicles aren't screaming at him right now like my ovaries are hollering at me!!!!!

I'm sorry, constant reader, that this post is a bit devoid of anything actually interesting and really comprises of me just getting out some crap that's clogging my brain right now and stopping me from functioning properly......We took James and Caeligh to the Brisbane Internationa Motor Show today (and looked at cars that would accomodate us all plus one more....) and my Mum came home from hospital today after a massive heart attack that should have killed most ordinary folk (YES MUM, I MEAN YOU, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD DINNER AND A NICE SLOW WALK TOMORROW!!!!) so I've had a bit of other stuff on my my mind and maybe it's stress.....har har har, hee, hee, hee, and maybe I'm having a small mental breakdown from the stress of everything but somehow I doubt it cos sadly I'M MADE FROM TOUGHER STUFF THAN THAT!!!!! God knows I wish I could have a quiet mental breakdown for a week but that's not in my diary the last time I looked........

On a saner, less mental and emotionally shitty note, Emstar came in to CyberScraps today to do a Scrap Training class for two hours and it was the most relaxing, rewarding two hours of my whole day!!!! Em, you are bright, quick, funny, interesting and entertaining!!!! It would be a pleasure to spend an hour with you any day and trust me, it wasn't work at all! My scrapping, and sharing what I know about scrapping, isn't work at all, not for a second..it's my therapy! I can't wait to see your finished album and I really am so happy that you found today helpful and fulfilling and that you learned some things you didn't know when you walked in. That's my goal - I don't care about the money so much as I loved chatting to you, getting to know you and your lovely man and your beautiful little boy, and helping you to create something you love. Remember to email me or post on CyberScraps if you get stuck or need any more help with the PBA!!! It was lots of fun!!!!

The two bigger boys are at their dad's tonight and the little two are at their gran's so it's just Doug, me and the Lifestyle Channel and their lovely show about IVF babies. Far out I really need to find something else to watch......and about three glasses of wine so far. And the sad part is that most often you could blame it on tiredness and the alcohol but it just magnifies what I feel constantly anyway.....

Surely somebody out there, some scrappin' chick has been through this and come out the other side. I really want to know if you are sorry you had that one more pregnancy or if you are blessed for that one more pregnancy, or if you really regret not taking that big leap and having another baby....I don't know if you can help me or not but I'd really REALLY appreciate anybody's advice right now!!!! I feel like I don't have control over my own destiny anymore and I'm trying to wrestle control of the steering wheel from my very eager uterus!!!! lol I'm crying as I type this and I know how bizarre it might sound if you've never had a baby before but trust me, once your hormones get a hold of you, you really don't have total control anymore!!!! I've lost control of the compass and no matter how attractive a professional scrapbooking career sounds right now (and it's all laid out right before me), I still don't seem to want it as much as I want another baby....and that would wipe me off the scrapbooking map for another two years if I was to get pregant now......I'd suddenly be tired, sick , exhuasted, un motivated, unable to travel to Outback Scrap (which I'm itching to get to!!!) plus some teaching stuff in Sydney......Why on earth do our bodies do this to us!?!?!?!?!?

I'm confused, tired, sad, spent, exhausted, confused again, a bit angry, a bit off track........

I really thought I had gotten to a point where I knew what I wanted for the first time in my whole life but it seems lately that I don't know anything at all........

I'm right back at square one, with four kids I struggle to love enough (in my own opinion anyway), I don't own anything of real value, I don't even own my care (shitbox that it is).

Here is the great question for you beautiful souls out in the blogsphere - do I follow my spiritual urges or my intellectual ones???? I know you probably don't think you have the answer either but I'd love to hear your thoughts anyhooooooo. I'm so confused and I hate that, I like that I'm usually the one with the good advice, the easy solution, the quick fix, and now I've got nothing to offer myself......maybe it's time to lean on the universe for advice and direction....I'm not sure but If you're in the mood for sharing then I'd love to hear from you. Anybody's advice is better than my own right now because I don't think I can trust my inner voice just at the moment......

Apologies for a really crap Saturday night post - I'm sure this wasn't what you tuned in to hear! lol Anyway thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I do have some great MotorShow pics that I've taken, and some that Jamie has taken too! At almost 7 he has quite the photographic eye so I don't bat an eyelid when he wants to use my new camera. He's taken some great shots that I'll post later. He's so proud of his photographic skills and so am I. Maybe for his birthday we'll get him a digital camera as he seems to have a good "eye" for shots and design and I'd like to encourage that in him.

Okay I am really honestly going to bed now. It's late and I don't think Doug wants to hear my emotinal ramblings anymore so I'm off to my pillow but I would definitely love to hear from anyone with thoughts, advice, suggestions, etc. My brain is full Miss!!!!! lol

3 comments:

kerry said...

Oh wow Lu,you are in a pickle arn't you.I can only tell you that if it was me i would follow my heart as those feelings and urges do not get any less even with years.As you know i have 23 years gap between my last and second to last child yes crazy as people would tell me but it is the best thing i ever did.She is an angel sent from above truly she can be a handful but i wouldn't trade her for the world.My urges and desire to have another baby lasted all those years and never for one minute did my mind stop telling me baby baby baby.I actually think that life is mapped out for us and that is why our bodies scream baby.You know if i wasn't 47 yrs old now i would have another baby as i still desire to have just one more.I really can't though and i have accepted that.We don't own our own home either i don't think that is a big deal.We have a car that we are still paying off i work partime to i can scrap but other that that we are happy that's all that matters in my book.I hope that you find what you are searching for and if it is a baby go for it,you will always have opportunities that come along the way,You would be amazed what you could juggle as i know with all your family now you juggle very well.Money will always come in when you need it.Goodluck with all that you are doing and i hope this helps you some how.Take care Love Kerry ps i hope ypur mum is feeling better.

Brissmiths said...

Lu I don't have a answer for you except to say heaps of women experience what you are going through right now. My SIL who is 35 seriously thought about a third baby and decided no, my other friend at 38 seriously thought about a third but her DH said no (he said too old he was 48), and another friend at 39 who doesn't handle pregnancy went as far as investigating adoption and fostering until deciding no. Maybe it's a clock ticking, the last time to give it a shot, the overwhelming feeling of joy a new life brings, who knows? You have a lot of stresses atm but at 34 I think you still have time to make a decision so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Take care, Susan

Louise said...

Ooooh Lu
Im no help to you buddie, but take a deep breath, then another, slowly, then another,.... before you know it life has a way of turning over a page on you, [in the book of life - IYKWIM] and helping you decide OR arrive at where & what you are meant to be doing.

Just make sure to take time in 'turning the page'.

Lou xxx

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